But he cant stop thinking about his end of the deal. This instinct to preserve their time, autonomy, or affections is not based on whats fair or necessary but instead on their feelings of entitlement about how much (or little) should be asked of them. He does exactly what he wants to do and doesnt lift a finger otherwise. Meredith began to lay out what she needed to see from him. They are popular and well thought of. And suddenly, I knew that this was never going to change. If you push back on this behavior, youll be met with wounded eyes, defensiveness, and an accusation that No matter what I do, youre never happy.. Ill do that, but what do I get in return? he asked. Theyd met in graduate school, and Meredith had immediately been taken by Jacks sunny, generous demeanor. I needed a minute to unwind from my day. He also admitted that this was a pattern. The trouble arises once more is asked of them than they want to give. We all harbor secrets. Jack focused on Jack.
This sense of entitlement differs from healthy boundaries and self-esteem because they both refuse to take anyone else into account and believe they are entitled to love, respect, and goodwill, no matter the pain and frustration caused to those around them. All everyone says about Jack is how nice he is, what a great dad, that Im so lucky to have him. They might be the sibling who acts concerned about the welfare of an elderly parent while resisting any real contribution to that parents care. 
It just seems like shes fine. He felt it was deeply unfair how quickly Meredith turned cold: Its like a light switch was flipped. He knew shed been upset, knew she wanted him to be a better partner. Its the same insidious selfishness and entitlement as regular narcissism, tucked inside a nice guy faade. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. While the kind narcissists self-centeredness can often be masked in the beginning phases of a relationship or before there are any heavy responsibilities or tough times, eventually, the wheels come off. In their relationship, when Meredith was upset, Jack would turtle, retracting into his shell until the storm had passed. She had to accept that Jack looked great from a distance but not up close.
Because he hadnt been paying much attention to her at all. At first, the kind narcissist seems like a generous, attentive person. Its hard to imagine a life experience better designed to put pressure on the system than having a baby. Often, they appear steady and good-natured. I dont want to be in this marriage anymore.. In truth, Jack didnt really understand how upset Meredith was. I cant feel like youre judging me all the time and like you get to call all the shots. He turned to me, A good marriage is supposed to be 50/50, right?. She asked Jack to take the kids while she finished up. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to. Posted October 22, 2021 In a work environment, this might be someone who never steps up their output or productivity, no matter how dire the need to do so, and happily allows their colleagues to take up the slack. Jack agreed but said he wanted to change his clothes first. Especially after children. I cleaned up the kids, and I knew that Jack was just in the bedroom, laying on the bed, looking at his phone, ignoring the chaos in the kitchen. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Fifteen minutes later, he still hadnt emerged. Meredith realized that to get Jack to step up, shed basically have to constantly be threatening to leave, and thats not the partnership she wanted. When she turned back around, both kids were covered in marinara sauce. Kind narcissistic behavior often looks like the following: not doing ones share of housework, insisting that their work responsibilities always take precedence over yours, resistance to spending time with people or activities that are more important to you than to them, and reluctance to spend money on things important to you while insisting on big-ticket items that they value. One glaring example of this was a friend of mine, who before her divorce had a kitchen with no working appliances and cabinet doors falling off their hinges. And yet, now that she was prepared to leave, he was genuinely shocked. Two weeks earlier, Jack came home after spending the day playing baseball with friends. Theyd been together for eight years and had two young children. Psychology Today 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC, 3 Ways to Identify Where Love Ends and Toxicity Begins, Children and Youth Bullied by Adults Need Strategies to Heal, The Best Way to Control Unwanted Thoughts, How We Grieve Changes, Endings, and Unfulfilled Goals, The Appeal and Danger of Anonymous Messaging Apps, Find a therapist who understands narcissism, How to Deal With a Narcissists Sense of Entitlement, How You Can Identify Closet Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 4 Ways a Narcissist Manipulates the Emotionally Intelligent, 4 Ways to Manage Working With a Narcissist. I know I leave most everything to Meredith, and I dont really know why. Meredith was calm and poised and radiated a cool detachment. Im exhausted, and Im done.. | He always seemed like the first guy to jump in and help out. The kind narcissist sees themselves as a good person. I thought hed be an amazing partner. But its for show. He says all the right things and seems contrite and ready to make a change. Jack admitted he had been lying on the bed, scrolling through his phone. Its the same insidious selfishness and entitlementas regular narcissism, tucked inside a nice guy faade.
Then hed stick his head back out and resume operating as usual. Now that he was paying attention, he was panicking at the thought of Meredith leaving him. I want to stay together. Trouble arises once more is asked of themthan theywantto give. Her husband insisted there was no money for repairs and then spent over $100,000 on a new truck just because he wanted to. He turned to her and said, I love you.
Meredith was in the kitchen making dinner, both kids at her feet. Ill do anything not to lose you., We started to talk about how Jack could regain her trust. But where a kind narcissist is really exposed, unsurprisingly, is during long-term romantic partnerships.
Consider Jack and Meredith, who came to me after Meredith told Jack she wanted to divorce. Tonya Lester, LCSW,is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, NY. Jack started to bristle almost immediately. Reviewed by Davia Sills. In the kitchen, Meredith was draining pasta, holding their toddlers out of the way of the boiling water, putting her body between the kids and the sink. This is classic kind narcissist behavior. In the many, many earlier iterations of conversations, discussions, arguments, and finally fights where Meredith would state her unhappiness and ask for change, Jack wasnt listeninghe was turtling. Turtling is a term that video gamers use to describe players who defend themselves by going into a fixed position to avoid conflict. When they came to my office, Jack looked shaken and fearfullike hed just emerged from a car wreck.
